It must be recognized that each family is different and each individual has their past, their history, their strengths and their weaknesses. But very often we think, perhaps wrongly, that complying with certain trends could make our lives easier. So yes, when it involves our choices and the direct consequences on our lives, but when is it when it impacts our children?
I very often see a lot of similar behavior between certain parents and I deeply believe that very often we show clumsiness and very little malice. So what could this clumsiness be due to? And would it be possible to repair this? For example, work on our own anxiety first before passing it on to our child? Accept yourself to make mistakes without expecting your child to do everything perfectly. Recognize that we want to take a breather after a day of work by understanding that our child also needs to unwind. Take the initiative to make choices for our child in order to make the situation easier for them... It is mainly on this last point that we will work together. Very often parents today let their children choose, this behavior which might seem at first glance evolved and intelligent, is in fact very counterproductive and develops significant insecurities in the child, a child who by definition is not able to make good decisions, due to their lack of knowledge, experience, or to be able to put things into perspective, prioritize and plan in the long term.
Do you ask a child who may have a cavity if he wants to go to the dentist? No..
Because you know better than him what is good or not for him, and even if you do not know everything, the child expects you to know more than him because you provide him with a secure and reassuring environment. A child loves his parents firstly because they give him a Secure environment more than because you let him choose.
Parents: What if you asked your children's opinions less ?
Increasingly, in modern homes, a trend is emerging: parents consult their children on almost every decision. This may seem logical, even progressive. After all, their opinion matters, and giving them space to express themselves is essential. But by including them in everything, are we not overloading them or making them insecure?
The phenomenon: hyper-respect for the child
Until a few decades ago, education was often one-sided: parents decided, children carried out. With the emergence of new educational approaches, centered on listening and dialogue, we wanted to avoid this sometimes rigid authoritarianism. Today, many parents take care to involve their children in family choices: "What do you want to eat this evening?", "Where are we going on vacation this year?", or even " Which school do you prefer?"
This well-intentioned approach aims to give the child confidence, to show them that their opinion counts and to develop their critical thinking. But, there is a limit. Asking for their opinion too much can have counterproductive effects.
The perverse effects of hyper-consultation
1- Excessive mental load. Children, especially younger ones, are not always emotionally equipped to handle important decisions. By constantly asking them for their opinion, we confront them with choices that can stress or overwhelm them. Why should a 7 year old choose between two vacation destinations when all he wants is to have fun with his family?
2- A reversal of roles. When parents delegate too many decisions to children, it can blur parental boundaries. The child may find himself in a position of power that he does not yet control, which can lead to confusion. A parent, by remaining firm and making decisions, offers their child a secure environment.
3- A risk of insecurity. Although it seems paradoxical, asking their opinion too often can make children less sure of themselves. For what ? Because they do not have the maturity to weigh the pros and cons of certain decisions, and may interpret this constant consultation as a sign of uncertainty on the part of the parents.
Resume the role of caring leader
A parent is not a dictator, but neither is he a simple enabler. The role of the parent is to guide, supervise and make decisions taking into account the well-being of all. This does not mean ignoring children's opinions, but finding a fair balance.
Involve without delegating: If you want to include your child in a decision, give them limited, age-appropriate options. For example: “Would you prefer ice cream or cake for dessert?” instead of “What are we eating?”.
Be firm: Some choices are up to parents alone. Telling a child, “I know what’s best for us in this situation” can be liberating for them.
Value the times when they can truly decide: For example, for decisions related to their personal affairs or activities, let them fully express their preferences.
Children need parents, not co-managers
Asking children’s opinions is good. But doing it too much deprives them of the security of a solid parental framework. As parents, you are there to offer them guidance and make decisions that they are not yet ready to make. By balancing listening and leadership well, you allow them to grow in a calm and balanced environment.
Of course we do the best we can with what we have. We keep in mind that children need to discover the world also through what we can bring them. For this reason, it is up to us as adults to remain confident, not to be afraid that our children will be angry with us and to know how to assert ourselves more to support them as best as possible.
And you, what is your approach? Do you think you consult your children too much (or not enough)? Share your experiences in the comments!