Whether we dread it or impatiently await it (it's quite rare), it is inevitable... I am obviously talking about getting back to school !
Whether we are parents of children or teenagers, back to school most often rhymes with back to school and the latter rhymes with a new organization, changes and novelties for the whole family. This article will aim to be able to discuss together the different challenges of back to school and find the best solutions to face them and ensure a good start.
For most of us, it must be recognized, this period is a source of anxiety, an anxiety that we also communicate to our children unconsciously and clumsily through daily pressure; a pressure that could be avoided.
Rule number 1 - Don't panic! We do what we can as best we can and the same goes for children
Let's take a classic example, that of the child who has trouble making friends at school. Obviously, as parents and caring adults that we are, we want to do everything we can to help our child get better and better, but we don't know what's going on in the child's head. Does he really want to find friends at this school? Does he have difficulty with social interactions? Is he trying to attract attention? Is he being bullied? What is certain is that we are not helping him by telling him that this year he will have to find friends and that he can no longer be alone during recess. What should normally be done will happen naturally. If this is not the case, it is because something is wrong and the child is not responsible for it. Teenagers in the same situation will even generally have a certain pleasure in contradicting their parents by withdrawing into themselves or by making friends with categories of people deemed unsociable by their parents.
So, we are interested in the lives of our children, even if it means sometimes being somewhat intrusive. We try to put ourselves in their shoes by accepting that for our children, what happens at school is very important, or even for teenagers, the most important thing. We remain vigilant about the company and moments of solitude of our children, but we are careful not to further hurt the child who is probably already struggling in this area.
Rule number 2 - The past is the past and I am giving the right dynamic of a new start for this year
It is possible that your child ended the year with an average of 5 in mathematics and a shower of sanctions for his behavior. September marks the month of a new beginning, of a renewal, of a new chance offered to each of us to do better than the previous year. Obviously, as adults, we ourselves dread certain situations related to school. Ideally, it would be wise to request an appointment with the teaching staff at the beginning of the year to communicate your concerns and remind each other that you form a team of caring adults around a being under construction who will need each of you during the year to learn, gain self-confidence and so many other things.
So, even if our child unfortunately won the prize for the all-category disruptive student champion, we keep in mind that he also has many qualities, that if we took the time to take him as a person before being a student, that is to say without the grades, without the remarks of the teachers, without the pressure of success and perfect orientation towards a future without incident until his retirement, we would be faced with a child who often wants to do well but does not know how to do it. The child is often set up to fail before he has even really had the chance to try. We keep in mind that the child may have particularities (on the cognitive, emotional or psychological level, please have a look : https://gabriel-rafi.com/cognitive-disorders/) that do not really help him to be able to progress as he would like. For example, a child who would be in avoidance (waking up late, taking bad notes, blank copies, etc.) and it would not take more for the school to trigger the red alert concerning him, a label of bad student with which he ends up identifying.
Rule number 3 - Every child is unique and each of us has strengths and weaknesses
It is always tempting to want to compare your child to others' children... and in the school setting the rule does not change. Here we will take the example of a child who comes home with a good grade. Have you ever asked your child if another student had a better grade than him or what the class average was? And yes, that is what we all tend to do but it is a mistake. We are missing an important opportunity here to congratulate and value our child, it does not matter if the class average was 16 or if another student got a better grade with the compliments of the teacher, what matters is the effort made, the work devoted and the fact of having had the courage to have taken the exam. The child needs to feel and know that he is loved by his parents, not because he succeeds but because he is their child. In the same way, he does not need to be compared with other children, especially if what comes out of it is not to his advantage, this applies to all areas.
So, we are careful to always give positive feedback to our children, no matter the results and especially no matter the results of others! When an athlete finishes the marathon in 81st position, he still receives a reward. We then learn to congratulate our child at the cost of his efforts and we encourage him to continue on this path so that he finds an interest in wanting to work well and always obtain better results.
The main thing is to always be in communication with your child while maintaining the role of parent. If the child does not verbalize his possible concerns, we go fishing for information in a skillful and subtle way while preserving the child's confidence. We do not forget that a child is very quickly impressionable and that by definition he can also feed very quickly on our own fears. In this it is better to transmit only positive things to our child.
Gabriel RAFI